Monday 24th April 2006

Woke up early to return the not very used at all rental car, came back to do laundry (there are only so many times you turn your actually quite fabulous aussie bum underwear inside out ya know!) in the most noisy communal (ew) washing machine ever, hung them out to dry (hoping none of the poorer gays would steal our undies ;) ) and then went wedding ring shopping. Found the most darling matching rings so snapped them up dead quick like... you just know that darren can't wait to get his ring on my finger, fnar fnar.

Came back, did 30 laps of the pool which damn near killed me thanks to my holiday diet of booze and, er, more booze, so quickly collapsed and finished my 4th book of the holidays (following the hilarious Girl 16-Pants on Fire; the criminally under-researched Take That biography and afore mentioned Peter Pan prequel) Septimus Heap: Book1. At first i passed it off as another Harry Potter clone, but it turned out to be so much more than that... It is about a magic family and a son who has a destiny, but the parents live and the 7th son of a 7th son is stolen at birth. It may be a kids book but along with Harry Potter and my all time fave Wicked, it explores themes of good and evil, nature vs nurture and choice vs destiny. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for book two...


Went out with Betty (Gez) in the evening to various bars and go to hear all the scandal and gossip from the island which was maaarvelous ;) The newly opened QE2 has an evil evil bartender who kept feeding us shots all night culminating in absinthe - the drink that turns Kylie into a fairy in Moulin Rouge. I'm not sure about me being a fairy, but it sure did have a mighty kick and I spent several sconds gasping for breath and dribbling attractively on the floor which I'm sure brings all the boys to my yard. Or something. Luckily i have already bagged Darren so I can let myself go now... Of course ended up drunk in Bar Tubos who played Madonna MTV Vogue in my honour and even gave me my own Bar Tubos fan to prevent any more thumb related injuries. Brillo

Tuesday 25th April 2006

It's getting harder to write about what we did all day - especially as I am jotting these thoughts down 24 hours after the fact. The Abstinence shots as I now call them (I certainly wasn't in the mood :O ) did weird things to me and i slept all afternoon having weird dreams and that is too many weirds in once sentence. Barely choked down this vile ravioli style dinner but devoured a KFC later on. Honestly i was ready to go home today - my holiday spirit is as over as Janet Jackson's career. And darren just played PSP all day! Rude!! Luckily had a good nights sleep and now ready to face the world again ;)

Wednesday 26th April 2006

Walked along the beach from Playa to Maspalomas - or MassyP as i call it - which sounds idyllic and is once you've passed the nudist section full of weightwatchers failures with their nipples bouncing off their knees. I seriously thought it would be impossible to have a camel toe while naked but this one woman proved me wrong. Shudder... Still it was quite lovely apart from that but killed me off. It's like when we first went to vegas and decided to walk from the stratosphere to mandalay bay. Its a LOT further than it looks...


Loverlee evening out at La Belle. Was rather pleased to find that the new metallic hand dryers made my reflection look quite tall and slim so spent slightly too long drying my hands admiring my new svelte figure when suddenly two horrid little boy things burst out of the same cubicle (?!) and said "Bitch could you not like totally listen to our conversation" before mincing off!!!!! I'd like to say i thought of some tart retort but honestly i just stood there like a stunned mullet with a face like Ashton Kutcher in Just Married when he bursts in on the boy in the airplane toilet :O But still looked tall and svelte in distorted reflection and thats all that matters. Soon got back into the swing of things learning dance routines to 9to5, Build Me up Buttercup and - lord help me - the Barbara Woodhouse song. Christ on a bike!!

Thursday 27th April 2006

Oh my stars, this holiday is going on forever and a day. I'm exhausted by it all. There is only so much sun sea sand nightlife and nookie a boy can take. I'm only 6 days off 32 you know!! So another day has passed by in a blur of BWO cds, wine, bad food and cabaret. I think it must be cockroach season here. There are hundreds of the little buggers running around all the live long day :( I feel like i am in the movie slither. Except i am starring in it and it will probably be called COCK! The locals barely bat an eye at them but i am running screaming everytime i see one. I had to drown one of the feisty little critters in the shower then leave a glass over its lifeless body for the maid to dispose of. I'm so masculine ;)

Friday 28th April 2006

LAST DAY! The maid - snickering i might add - gave me a can of cockroach spray so i am now all fearless and powerful against them. It also stinks which is why i might be all lightheaded and skipping around the bungalow. Had a meal in the evening and then went to say goodbye to our friends in the bars who i am sure were upset to see us go, but seemed suitably consoled by the fact that a bunch of smashing and intermittently good looking west end wendies (they are on tour round england as dancers in Saturday Night Fever) had just arrived ;) Ready to go home but very sad to leave :(

THE END!!!!!